This, Friends, Is My Life.
Now Would Be a Good Time to Start Screaming.
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I'm not really feeling constrained by time anymore...it all seems to be the same, save for the light of day and the dark of night......No one can give me an answer for it, and nobody seems able to help bring me back to structure.....
My self-loathing has reached untold levels...I honestly don't expect to live to see 30 at this point in my life......I want so badly to find a girl that really loves me, not just one who wants to fix me......
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Well, things have kind of fallen through with Mary, and life's kind of blah right now, but I'm able to look at the positives.......there's not much wrong with me now, beyond the aches and pains, I'm not still locked up in Danville's Regional psych ward, and this girl named Jinx is taking a liking to me.......and, over at the Drowsy, folks call me Skellington. Yep, life has it's moments.....
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I'm killing everything, and leaving them alive..........their limbs are mine, but they carry them around with them everywhere. nothing can stop me, but moving is an impossibility. I pick up my foot, but I'll have to drop it. Alphas see it all, and Omegas look in to the end. Understand. Know all. But stay just as ignorant. Can you do that for me?
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Are you silent towards me on purpose, Quintin? I'm not the kind to dance around the issue. You know I say shit and you take it wrong sometimes. I mean well, really.
And life is pain, littlies. It hurts in ways in ways the human body should not......Pultz should be ashamed.......
Things not going so smoothly, but the only thing wrong is all my sharp pains, goddamnit..........**hmphs**
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I've realized this and moved the Hell on. My life is now going to be devoid of fun or enjoyment overall until November 8th. Why that is is on a strictly need to know basis, but I digress. I'm basically weightlifting and eating like a horse to see if I can power through and get rid of all this pain. It's my guess my muscle started to atrophy due to misuse, and the amount of food I was eating wasn't even cutting it as fuel. So, I'm applying the opposite technique.
I'm going back out with Mary, and before you say anything, 1800, love always makes no sense on the outside. I need her........it's a little ridiculous we tried to go out with anyone else, honestly. Needless to say, we're in the frame of mind that such retardation will no longer take place, yeah?
And in a few months time I'm hoping I'll be working at Barnes & Noble. And everyone knows what that means, right? **grins**
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But to be honest, my teachers are pretty fucking chill about me turning it all in.....no pressure from them, just frustrated by a week's worth of busy work.
Yeah, so my masculine side has been repressed lately....I'm real fucking tired of that. I'm getting a gun and a motorcycle by my birthday, and I'm being just as ridiculously masculine as I can be without being unreasonable or rude..........building things out of wood, fixing anything and everything I can, lifting heavy objects, going to the weight room during gym.....buying everything made by Old Spice that is Original scent.....
Everyone expects em to be so sensitive all the time....no need for that, though, right?
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It's so bad I don't even want to talk about it.....just keeping people updated. Not feeling good mentally or physically at all.
Just........I'm hurting, and it's gotten so old....I want a life with little to no pain. It's all I really want. Is it so much to ask?
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It hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts once more
pain is nothing but a two bit whore....
nothing is helping, the cause isn't clear
I want to just die, but no one lets me near.....
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I made it through today, and I got to enjoy the fact that Samantha touching me doesn't burn like everyone else......she's really the nicest person I've encountered in my life, and she just does not see it.....and the fact that we all know I'm horrible deep down only confuses me even more........but I am definitely content to be worried over, you know? Such a wonderful girl.......
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It can only improve my outlook on life, right? If i can get through tomorrow, I can sleep for two and a half days, so I'm definitely going to try.....
Who needs a materialistic future, really? What's the appeal to having a lot of things?.....Why doesn't anyone want a family, like me? I just want children, and grandchildren, and the means to make them all happy, and a wife that loves me despite my neurotic tendencies....Samantha is hoping to be her, and she's doing a fantastic job of being loving and supporting......my life should be simple.......that's all I really want. It, however, loves to be terribly complicated.
You're mine,
which makes me happy.
You don't want other men,
which makes me hopeful....
You kiss me,
look me in the eyes,
and you tell me you love me.
Which makes me believe.
**smiles**
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This is something I really need help with. Why does school, especially the first week or so, make me want to kill myself? I just feel like everything is pointless for some reason......it's not going away like it usually does....maybe it's a bad omen? I'm tired, too.....
I had to go to the doc again for my muscle pains...he gave me a medicine to take at night.........and I'm kind of impatient to see if it works.....
Off to church. Hopefully, I'll start burning when I walk through the door!
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So, I'm feeling like I need to write something. Brace yourself.
The Future
Why is it
just
sitting on the couch,
I can imagine you
sitting beside me
with your head on my shoulder,
asleep only because
you tried your best
to stay up as late
as I always do........
How is it possible
sitting at my desk
I can almost
feel
you behind me?
Arms crossed
and resting on my shoulder blades,
watching with
what seems like
a mild interest
at the poems I write,
even though we both know
you read every word
like it's your last.......
and you treat every second with me
like I'll die tomorrow.....
And even when
I'm lying on my side
trying to sleep.....
I can almost
just barely
feel your slender hand
reach out to find my back......
pulling yourself over to me
to wrap around me from behind.....
almost to suggest
you'd think I'd phase through
the cinderblocks in front of me.....
It hurts to be able
to picture it so clearly,
you know?
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Long story short, a French exchange student is going to be staying at Ian's, and I get to translate for his parents. Woot.
So! I have nothing to write about. I saw Samantha today for the first time in twenty days (!!)....saw Year One.....and that didn't suck..........drank a Russian Java Monster, and that was so far from being the suck, you have no idea.....
Feeling insomniatic.....
Pacing
Pacing
in my head
and on my feet
not facing
the reality
that I must meet
knowing that my knowing is
all that keeps me going......
wanting and grasping
in dreams where I'm grasping
for things that can't be;
not expected of me......
Killing is far too much fun.
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I'm fairly certain that school starts for LCS again on the 20th of August......and I, personally, am anxious to get started with it, because i'll get to see Samantha daily once more, and I'll be completing my last year of school. finally........
Anyone see the futility of school, or is just me? I mean, as far as the social networking aspect, it works, but educationally, high school is useless.......
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Nothing is working
Frustration abound....
sitting in silence
berated by sound.....
Decisions are best
left to less evil men....
If I could be free....
what would carry on then?
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It's gonna be the future soon/
I won't always be this way/
Soon the things that make weak and strange'll be engineered away..........
I am terribly tired of existing.....and having to deal with the people around me. I'm living just because of the good in Samantha, and all my friends...everyone else seems to be corrupt........destruction is oddly appropriate, here, yeah?
I'm going on a trip with mah church.......in a few hours, in fact........we'll be in a van for a while, and then we'll spend the day at King's Dominion.......then go to the hotel.......then go back to King's Dominion. **grins** It'll be as fun as I let it be, right?
Someone let me know something new,
and different......
liven up my life......
or let me die.
Give me a sign, or nothing at all.
However you want it to work.........
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This used to be the place me, Shell, and Quint all came to talk to one another, but now, all we do is comment on something if we feel like it...........we used to comment on everything any of us would post, but it just doesn't seem to work that way anymore. So!! I'm not giving anybody a choice on this. We have to communicate on this more. It's not like we're strangers, yeah?
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It's payday, everybody, && I am going to be spending more money than I should be allowed to.....one bill to speak of, and then, the mall is my bitch, and Wal-Mart? My dime store fling...........I'm going to have a good day, I think...................
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Is it so hard to see someone when they can't breathe and have pain everywhere they can feel? I spent three hours in Hellacious pain before the stupid attendants even thought about giving me medicine.........I'm so fucking over the hospital right now, it's not even funny............
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I am getting tired of waking up at 3:00 PM and feeling like I need to go back to sleep at 8:00 PM.....I need to find the reason behind this lethargy and kill it without prejudice......No need to let it continue to drag me down.....it's gotten worse from when I was tired in school. I just don't feel like staying awake anymore.
My price breakdown fro the 3rd of next month so far:
1. Pay back Mrs. Clavon (Samantha's mother) for my season pass to Busch Gardens: $60.00
2. Sprint phone bill (first month, thank God): $216.38
3. Eye exam for contacts: $35.00
4. Contacts themselves (3-week supply): $25.00
That all comes to $336.00. Still some to spend!!
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ironman7's journal
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